And I Drive Myself Crazy, Thinking Everything's About Me
by CuteWhiteBunny
Summary: Sometimes your plans backfire. You never thought this would be one of them. [Perryshmirtz (Perry x Heinz)]


****˃Be Heinz Doofenshmirtz  
****

* * *

"I don't know why I thought this could work," you mutter to yourself, resolutely not looking at the space where Perry the Platypus had been standing a few minutes earlier. "You're a- a secret agent, and I'm..."

Evil, you want to say.

A failure, you almost say.

"Your nemesis," you actually say.

It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Ask Perry the Platypus out to lunch, no schemes, no thwarting, just two maybe-friends spending some time together. It wouldn't even be the first time.

You hadn't been sure Perry the Platypus felt the same way, but you'd hoped. In hindsight, that was probably the desperation talking. Your last few dates had been less than successful, and Perry the Platypus seemed like he didn't hate you, or at least not the sort of hate where he'd _leave_...

But he'd left. Perry the Platypus had _ignored_ you, and he'd _left_.

And now you're alone.

You're always alone, after he leaves, but never like this.

After all this time, he really _has_ given up on you. Part of you wishes it was a surprise, but you knew it was only a matter of time before he came to his senses and realised you weren't worth the effort, the way everyone else did.

That hadn't stopped you from getting your hopes up, that _this time would be different_ , but it doesn't matter now. He's gone. You've just ruined the best thing you've ever had, all because you couldn't keep your big mouth shut.

It still hurts. It always hurts, even when you know it's going to happen. Even though you should be used to it by now. Aren't things supposed to get easier once you've done them often enough? Like building inators, you can do that in your sleep. Only thing you have going for you now.

You kick a useless piece of scrap from what's left of the day's inator and stalk over to your toolbox, already drawing up mental blueprints. You'll show _him_ , you'll make a Heartbreak-Inator and make the _entire Tri-State Area_ feel like this.

* * *

The Heartbreak-Inator is large, twice your height, and charred in places from the bits you'd salvaged from destroyed inators. It looks like your heart feels, twisted and misshapen and broken.

Your hands tighten around your tools until your knuckles turn white, matching the tightness in your chest as you try to suck in air.

You haven't had an inator come together so quickly in _weeks_.

And now you're not sure what to do with yourself. Normally you'd start on drafting the monologue to go with it but you can tell that would be a bad idea right now, it would get weirdly personal and you'd break down and then you'd end up crying yourself to sleep again, and you are _not_ going to cry over Perry the Platypus today.

The worst part is, you don't know if Perry the Platypus is even coming _back_. He probably won't. Why would he? It's not like you mean anything to him, he made that _abundantly_ clear when he left. Just like everyone else you've ever loved.

"Pull yourself together, Heinz," you mutter to yourself, scrubbing your hand at the tears threatening to spill down your face. Your voice echoes strangely, making the words sound almost mocking, but it's still better than the oppressive silence. You keep going before it has a chance to return, closing your eyes so you don't see how empty the room is. "He'll come back, he has to. It's his _job_." It sounds hollow, even to you. You turn and slump against the Heartbreak-Inator with a sigh, screwdriver slipping out of your fingers. It clatters onto the metal floor. "Just his... job." You run a hand over your face and sigh. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus. I don't need you anyway."

The silence comes back again, and this time you let it.

* * *

The sound of your thoughts is almost bearable when you hear a crash. You jump to your feet and brandish the spanner in your other hand, hope rising in your chest-

"Why is it so dark in here?" Norm's voice booms.

"Oh. It's just you," you mutter, scowling. Not Perry the Platypus, you don't say. "I'm going to bed, don't break anything while I'm gone." You toss the spanner at the toolbox by your feet and stomp out of the lab.

"But sir, it's-"

" _Can it_ , Norm." You slam the door shut behind you for good measure, hands shaking.

The hallway is empty, thankfully. No one there to see you rest your forehead against the wall in defeat. How did you mess things up this badly? Just this morning you were hopeful and excited to see him, but now... Now Perry the Platypus is just another tragic backstory.

You force down a sob. Now is _not_ the time, you have a thwarting scheduled for tomorrow, and the Organisation Without a Cool Acronym never believes you when you say you're not doing anything so calling it off is out of the question. You can grieve later for what you lost, once you've had a good night's sleep.

* * *

By the time the sun rises, you're just about ready to scream into your pillow. You couldn't sleep _at all_. Every time you thought you were about to doze off, _something_ had to wake you up. Your thoughts, or the usual foghorns that you still haven't gotten used to, or both at once.

"Curse you, Perry the Platypus," you mumble, pulling the covers over your head like it will block out your racing thoughts. You wish you could be surprised when it doesn't.

It's not much help with the foghorns either, or your alarm clock when that starts shrieking at you too.

You slam a fist onto the button to shut it up, only remembering the self-destruct button you installed last week when it explodes under your hand. Pain lances through your hand and you flinch back, falling off the bed with a thump.

Today is off to a _great_ start, and by "great" you mean... not great. More like the opposite of great. Even so, you suspect this is still going to be the high point of the day, because that's how your life works.

Sleep's looking more and more elusive the longer you stare at the ceiling, so you pull yourself to your feet and stagger to the bathroom. Your reflection stares at you from the mirror, dark bags visible under reddened eyes, and you grimace. You look like a mess.

But you have a scheme to run today, so you do your best to make yourself presentable, rather than crawling back into bed the way you want to.

Actually... No. You're not just going to make yourself _presentable_ , you're going to make yourself look like the evilest evil scientist ever, just to spite Perry the Platypus. Just to rub it in his face when you find a _better_ nemesis. Because you don't _need_ him and his smug face and his irritatingly adorable hands. You'll be _just fine_ without him, you're sure of it. He was only holding you back. Now that he's gone you're going to take over the Tri-State Area and then he'll regret leaving you. He'll see.

* * *

At seven minutes past noon, not that you've been checking, you hear the unmistakeable sound of your door being kicked down. It won't be Perry the Platypus, you're sure of it, but it sounds so much like him that you can't bear to disappoint yourself just yet.

You should have just set off the Heartbreak-Inator last night. Then you wouldn't be _here_ , hiding behind your inator, working up the courage to look.

A cage snaps shut, the sound almost deafening in the near-silence, and you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. The agent's here, might as well get this over with. Just perform your monologue, set off the inator, and then you're free to drown your sorrows in non-dairy ice cream. Probably chocolate, you bought some of that last week.

You stand up, brush off your lab coat, and step out from behind the inator-

Perry the Platypus glares at you from the cage. You... you weren't expecting to see him. More the opposite. You thought you were going to see someone else instead, and that would have hurt, but this is worse. This is so much worse.

You force a smile. "Perry the Platypus! You know, I didn't think you'd show your face, after your _heartless rejection_ yesterday." You don't bother keeping the bitterness out of your voice. If he didn't expect you to be bitter after he _abandoned_ you, then he doesn't know you at all. "I went to the trouble of arranging _lunch_ , and you wouldn't even _acknowledge_ it," you continue, voice rising in pitch. "I really thought we _had_ something, but _apparently not_!" Your eyes sting and you turn away to compose yourself.

Some evil scientist you are, can't even monologue without bringing _feelings_ into it. At least you're not crying. You may not have much else going for you right now, but you have that.

You scan the room for something to focus on instead, to take your mind off the way Perry the Platypus is _here_ , but there's not much else in the lab to look at. Just the Heartbreak-Inator, sitting in the middle of the room in all its imposing glory, and various piles of scrap from past schemes you haven't tidied up yet. You've been busy recently, okay?

Busy making sure you don't cry over Perry the Platypus today, but the point still stands.

Thinking about him still hurts. He _abandoned_ you, and now he thinks he can just waltz back in like nothing happened? What kind of lonely fool does he take you for?

The kind who'd take him back in a heartbeat, probably. And he'd be right. Not that you're going to let him. No, you have a monologue to perform, an inator to fire, you're not going to let him stop you today. You turn back to face him.

He glares at you, arms folded, _closed off_ like he always is, and the barely restrained hatred in his eyes makes you feel like the floor suddenly dropped out from under you. It's a familiar expression, that's how everyone else looks at you, but he's always been better than that. Coming from _him_ , it feels more like a knife to the ribs than a punch to the gut.

You think you actually managed to hurt him. Somehow that's worse than everything else. He's _Perry the Platypus_ , you shouldn't be able to _hurt_ him. You're supposed to fail at that the way you do everything else.

But you didn't, this time. Which is... something. Small victories, right? Small, bittersweet victories.

Still. Monologue. Scheme. Inator. You have a _plan_ for today and you're not going to let him ruin it the way he always does.

"Behold, the Heartbreak-Inator," you say flatly, gesturing behind you. "I'd _backstory_ but you should already know, since you were _there_."

His only response is to shrug dismissively, and you suppress a wince. Way to twist the knife, Perry the Platypus.

This is how he wants to do things? Fine. "Fine," you snarl, "y-you know what, I'm going to monologue _anyway_ , so that _you_ know what you did!" You point at him for good measure, an accusing finger. "Just before you left yesterday, I finally worked up the courage to ask if you'd have lunch with me - not as a _date_ , unless you wanted it to be? - but _you_ \- Hey, where are you going?" you demand as he opens the cage door and walks out. "I was _monologuing_! You're supposed to be trapped, Perry the Platypus. I made that trap _just for you_ and you don't even have the decency to stay there? Are you even listening to me?"

He stops at the remains of yesterday's inator, which you'd haphazardly shoved into a corner to deal to later after it got in your way while you were working, and picks through the pieces. After a few seconds he turns back to face you, presenting what looks like the nameplate. You don't need to read it to remember what you'd inscribed there.

 _Inaud-inator_.

 _Oh_. It all makes sense now. He wasn't _ignoring_ you yesterday, he...

"You didn't even _hear_ me, did you?" you ask, voice coming out as a whisper.

The way his mouth twists down is answer enough. He wasn't ignoring you on purpose, he just... didn't hear you. And then _you_ had to make a big deal over it like a dummkopf, the way you always do.

You fall to your knees before your legs give out on you, resting your face in your hands, and wait for the inevitable sound of his footsteps as he leaves.

It doesn't come.

Why isn't he leaving? There's nothing worthwhile for him here, right? Just you.

The sound of metal crashing together pulls you from your thoughts and you look up. He's still staring at you, hands empty, expression indecipherable, but he's not glaring any more. You're not sure what that means. Behind him, the nameplate settles into the pile of scrap where he dropped it.

His presence here still aches. You look down at your shaking hands, away from him, away from the way he's staring at you so intently. Everything feels raw and open and vulnerable now, because you're not running on anger any more, you _can't_ , there's nothing left.

When you speak, it's still a whisper, hoarse like you really _have_ been crying. "After you left yesterday..." You clench your fists, willing them to stop shaking. "I thought you didn't want to be my nemesis any more, and that I'd have to find someone else and get used to fighting _them_ until I forgot all about fighting _you_. I thought I could be _okay_ with that." Deep down you know that's a lie, you can't imagine your life without him in it any more. "Then _you_ came back, like a cruel joke. I didn't _realise_ -" You choke up, again, and it's an effort to keep yourself from sobbing. But you're determined not to cry over Perry the Platypus today, you still have _some_ dignity left.

Eventually you compose yourself and look back up at him. He hasn't moved, still looking at you with that enigmatic expression. "It's a lot to figure out, Perry the Platypus," you say quietly.

It's not quite an apology. You've never been good at those.

There's a lot you've never been good at, if you're honest with yourself. Like kickball, or telling Perry the Platypus you love him, or Evil. Loving Perry the Platypus, though, that's as easy as breathing. Which means right now it isn't easy at all. Your chest still feels too tight, like you've been kicked in the chest.

But he's _here_ , which has to count for something. And maybe, just maybe, he'll give you another chance.

You clear your throat.

"Perry the Platypus, do you want to..." you begin, resolutely not looking at where Perry the Platypus is still standing.

Go on a date with me, you want to say.

Nevermind, you almost say.

"Have lunch with me?" you actually say. You wring your hands together, still not looking at him, hoping to put off the inevitable rejection-

You feel a tap on your shoulder, and you choke back a sob. "If you're going to say no, you could have just _left_ -" He shoves a phone screen in your face and you pause, squinting until it comes into focus. It's a... receipt. You look up at him, barely able to see him through the tears you refuse to let fall. "You ordered pizza?"

He shrugs, a slight smile gracing his face.

You want to smile back, you _do_ , but you've had a long day and you're exhausted and you can't hold the tears back any longer. So much for not crying over Perry the Platypus today. His strong arms wrap around you, holding you close, and you press your face into his shoulder to muffle your sobs. You're crying _on_ Perry the Platypus, really. Solid, dependable Perry the Platypus. He's too good for you.

Thank you Perry the Platypus, you don't say. He hugs you tighter like he heard anyway.

* * *

 **AN:** **Crossposted from AO3 (with a different title). Title comes from Heavy by Linkin Park.**

 **If you've read this far, even with the second person pov which I know a lot of peeps find offputting, feel free to let me know what you think.**


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